Disclaimer:
After reading Spare, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings. This post is long and full of opinions that are mine and mine alone. I will include my review of Spare, the memoir just published by Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex. I am also including personal thoughts on the publication of his book, family dynamics, the monarchy, history, and comments of other reviewers.
You have been warned.
Those who know me well know that I have a deep fascination for royalty, monarchies, and traditions. This is especially true when it comes to the monarchy of the United Kingdom. This has always been the case for me, probably because my mom felt this way. Only when I was an adult, through many hours of genealogical research, did I learn that I have several branches of my family tree leading back to multiple kings and queens in England, Scotland, and Ireland. Of course, that only increased my interest. I am aware that my roots are old. My ancestors immigrated to America in the 1600’s and 1700’s. As a result of my interest, I read books and historical accounts, watch documentaries, films, interviews, weddings, and funerals. Though I occasionally will read a news article, most of my reading has been biographical and historical. Biographies of ancient kings and queens are always fascinating to me.
I have learned a few things in my hobbyist research:
- Power struggles shape every monarch and their reign.
- Political maneuvering shapes the narrative into the “truth” the crown wants the public to believe. (This is not new. Look at the War of the Roses, or even back to the sons of Henry II.
- History is written and shaped by the victor though, so I am always aware to read with a little skepticism.
- The people behind the scenes (wives, advisors, courtiers) often have more power than they are ever credited with having.
o
For example, the Groom of the Stool was a highly
coveted position in the courts of Kings from the 1500-1700’s in England because
it was guaranteed daily time to have the monarch’s ear. As a result, it was an
influential position despite the fact that its primary duty took place was
while the King was having his daily constitutional.
Personal Ramblings:
I have followed the royal family since I was a child. My mom used a VHS tape set to super extended
play to tape the weddings of Prince Charles and Prince Andrew in the 1980’s. We watched every minute of the coverage. I
think I was even allowed to miss school for it.
I saw each of the new babies presented to the public on the news,
admiring how well those mamas looked after giving birth. I set an alarm and got up early to watch
William’s wedding. I was entranced by
the magic, the pomp, the circumstance.
When it came time for Harry and Meghan, I didn’t have cable. My daughter and I bought tickets to a live
stream at our local library that included tea.
Sharing that with her is something I will never forget. I will also not forget the way Harry and
Meghan looked at each other that day. I
remember thinking that they were so in love with each other. I remember how different their wedding felt
from the others.
I also remember the sad times. Princess Diana was killed days before I was
set to have my third child. I was
devastated at the thought of such a tragedy.
I thought of her children and their grief. As a mother, I was sad to think of the milestones
she would miss in their lives. She had been so vocal about trying to provide them
with a sense of a normal life, and I wondered about how that would change now
that she was gone. I was in the hospital
holding my new baby girl when the funeral was aired. I remember a nurse coming in and asking if I
wanted to watch the funeral. I remember
telling her no. I was relishing the joy
of my healthy baby and I didn’t want to think about the sad things right
then. Since then, I have seen much of
the funeral replayed time and again on the news and in documentaries. I am not sorry that I waited to see it. When the queen died in September, I was in
Galway, Ireland. That same baby (my
third) and I were on a trip to Ireland to celebrate her 25th
birthday. I learned a lot on that trip. One of the things I learned was that many
Irish people did not share the same sentiment that much of the world did on the
queen’s passing. Very interesting,
indeed. This became even more pronounced
the next day as our tour took us into Northern Ireland. There was a distinct division
of Union Jacks flying and absolutely no flags flying on either side of the Peace
Wall.
When I saw that Prince Harry was releasing a memoir, I was
excited. Finally, I get an account written in a living royal’s own voice. This is not an unauthorized biography. I have questioned many of those because, “How do they know really, what goes on behind
closed doors?” (It reminds me of the Hamilton
song about wanting to be in the room where it happens.) Obviously, if there is truth in the
disclosures of unauthorized biographies, someone has been cooperating
anonymously. Whether that person is a staffer,
or a royal is always left in question.
In addition, every one of them has a narrative that is unified to form a
singular objective. None of them read
like a true historical account. Many of
them read like they are historical fiction.
Don’t get me wrong, I love historical fiction. However, when it is labeled as a biography, I
expect more. This brings me back to
Harry’s memoir.
Comments on Reviews:
Reading other reviews of Spare after I had read the
book, I was shocked by the level of ignorance that exists over what a memoir actually
is.
(1) Merriam-Webster dictionary lists this definition:
Memoir: memoir
noun
mem·oir (ˈmem-ˌwär)
1: an official note or report: MEMORANDUM
2: a
narrative composed from personal experience
3: an account of something noteworthy: REPORT
I believe that Spare primarily meets definition
number two, while encompassing numbers one and three on a secondary level. Some reviewers expressed that they were upset
that “facts” were wrong in Harry’s book.
To that, I must question whether their “facts” were real facts, or something
created to be a “fact” yet was not. (After
reading Spare, I must tell you that my grain of salt skepticism is now a
boulder as it relates to what has been published about the modern monarchy.) Also, I must question the expectations of
readers who were disappointed in the memoir format. Were they expecting a history book full of
dates and things to memorize?
I think that people often forget that our experiences and unconscious
biases shape how we view the world around us.
It also shapes how we remember the things in our past when we review our
history. Each and every one of us has a perception bias, Harry included.
(2) “Perception acts as a lens through which we view
reality. Our perceptions influence how we focus on, process, remember,
interpret, understand, synthesize, decide about, and act on reality. In doing
so, our tendency is to assume that how we perceive reality is an accurate
representation of what reality truly is. But it’s not. The problem is that the
lens through which we perceive is often warped in the first place by our
genetic predispositions, past experiences, prior knowledge, emotions,
preconceived notions, self-interest, and cognitive distortions.”
I think it is critical to realize that a memoir is the
narrative of an individual’s history and experiences. It will always be shaped by their perceptions.
One can try to clear unconscious biases, yet our life and memories are shaped
by them. This changes forever how we see
the world. I would also like to affirm
that this is Harry’s recollection of events. His words are valid. His feelings are valid. His memories of events are valid. It is his life. Just as my life, memories,
feelings, and experiences are mine. I
say: if you don’t want to hear his point of view, then don’t read the book.
The second thing I noticed was the criticism of Harry for using
a ghostwriter for his memoir and outright lambasting him, criticizing him as
not writing the book himself. To that, I
say; “Get real.” Madeleine Morel, a
literary agent for ghostwriters, estimates that “if you look at the nonfiction
bestsellers list right now, at least 60 percent of the books are ghostwritten.”
(3) Of course, he used a
ghostwriter! After listening to several
of the interviews put out by Prince Harry leading up to this book’s release, I
will say I believe that the ghostwriter did an excellent job capturing Harry’s
voice and telling his story. Whatever
they did to collaborate, it works.
As I read through other reviewers’ comments, I was also
shocked at the reasons some reviews gave low ratings. I saw multiple low ratings because a “physical
book arrived damaged: 1 star.” I saw a
few where “the print of the physical book was too small: 1 star.” Or. “I read a sample and I hated it: 2 stars.” Some said, “I read part of it and these are
my thoughts: 2 stars.” I do not
understand why people believe rating a book based on physical appearance alone,
or that they haven’t even read is justifiable. As someone who writes hundreds
of book reviews a year, this makes me wonder what this world is truly coming to
be.
Another thing I noticed as I read through reviews was a
distinct difference between UK and US reviewers. I found that UK reviewers were much more
likely to state that Harry revealed too many details, aired the dirty laundry,
and said things that shouldn’t have been said. First, I believe that as this is
his memoir, he should say anything he feels like saying. Readers have the right to read or not read
anything they do or do not want to read.
Freedom of speech and all that. (Obviously, my American point of view.) Which
brings me to my second point: I believe that the criticism of what is
acceptable is based on cultural differences.
In his book, Harry is transparent in his acceptance of other cultures
and of his work to fight his unconscious bias based on his upbringing in “the
bubble inside the bubble.” I believe that
his time spent around the world, particularly in the US with many US friends,
has shaped his beliefs on acceptable disclosures. Likely, his military service overseas probably
also impacted the way he can discuss a topic or two with a frankness that some
will find disturbing. Anyone who has
been around soldiers knows that there is nothing private or sacred, especially
after living in close quarters.
I personally love that Harry has fought to protect his family
from the sometimes-rabid attacks from the press. Though I am sad that he has been distanced
from his family because he has stood up for himself and his wife, he should
take comfort that he is not the first royal to be banished for not rolling over
and taking orders that impact them in a detrimental way. At least in this day and age, they were not
imprisoned in the tower and executed like so many who asserted their independence.
Today they are executed in the press based on lies and hearsay. The more things change, the more they stay
the same.
The quote Spare uses at the beginning of the book on
a fore page is:
“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” – William Faulkner
I read one review that was very critical of the prince for
using a quote by Faulkner because he was outspoken about the inequality of
blacks and whites; making him a racist today and part of the problem historically. I believe this misses the point of the
quote. Having unacceptable beliefs does
not make the rest of one’s words untrue.
I believe the point in using that quote is that the monarchy is stuck in
the past. It is buried in antiquated
beliefs and has failed time and again to become the modern institution that it
could be. It fails to embrace more than
just a narrow segment of the population of the Commonwealth. The point is that past failures continue
today. History continues to repeat
itself. Families continue to be
destroyed by the fight for power within the court. Not so different from the War of the Roses,
or even the reign of Henry VIII.
Conclusion:
I am happy that Harry has taken a stand to fight for the
physical and mental health of his family. It is probably true that most
families have some level of dysfunction.
Certainly, that seems to increase when money and power also come into
play. How many families fall apart at
the division of an estate with a will? I
know far too many. Other dysfunction
comes from addictions, narcissistic behaviors, neglect, abuse, and
manipulation. The only way to stay
healthy when barraged with family dysfunction is to set personal boundaries. What
are personal boundaries?
(4) “Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for
ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.
These boundaries typically fall into a few specific
categories:
• emotional
(protecting our own emotional well-being)
• physical
(protecting our physical space)
• sexual
(protecting our needs and safety sexually)
• workplace
(protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama)
• material
(protecting our personal belongings)
• time
(protecting the use, and misuse, of our time)”
I believe it was necessary for Harry to set some boundaries
to protect himself and his family. He is
very open in his recollections of the struggles he and Meghan have had with
their mental health. This is a step
toward healing. Can reconciliation with
his family be achieved? Unfortunately, that will be up to each individual and
how much they want to change both their person and their circumstances in their
world.
Personally, I am proud of Harry. It takes a lot of courage to step back from
everything he has known and open his eyes to what can be. I adore how protective he is of his
family. I am deeply sad that it had to
come to the point where it is now. I
have faith that Harry knows about making a found family. Indeed, he has created a found family in
Australia, Africa, the military, and now in California. Sometimes our found families can offer more
support than our blood families ever could.
I wish them only the best as they step into the unknown.
(5) Invictus
BY WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the
pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my
unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not
winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is
bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the
Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and
shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged
with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
And now, my review of the book itself:
Spare by Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex
Release Date: January 10, 2023
#Memoir #Royal
5 STARS
Written from Harry’s POV this book is divided into a prologue,
three sections, and an epilogue. The
prologue takes place after the funeral of Prince Phillip and sets the tone for
why Harry has written this book. Each section takes a piece from the poem “Invictus”
by William Ernest Henley. Part One: “Out
of the Night That Covers Me” covers Harry’s life from birth through the beginning
of his active-duty military service.
Part Two: “Bloody, but Unbowed” covers his life from 2007-2016. It offers detailed accounts of his life in
the military and as a young man. Part
Three: “Captain of My Soul” details his life from meeting Meghan Markle through
the birth of his daughter. The epilogue brings
the story to the present day. At 409 pages, this book covers a lot of content.
Part one details the numbness, grief, and rage Harry felt at
losing his mother at such a young age.
It also creates a picture of sibling rivalry between the two
brothers. It is normal for brothers to
have rivalry, though theirs is amplified by the monarchy and expectations of
the line of succession which lead to differing treatment given to the brothers. Examples like: William having a larger bed
and section of the room and William trying to exert his rank as Heir to order Harry
to do something Willy wanted him to do.
Did this make me think poorly of William when Harry revealed these
stories? Not exactly. Family dynamics
can be complicated. When power and an
expected level of formality are added, it is bound to lead to increased dysfunction. I could feel Harry’s trauma over the loss of
his mother. I believe that the loss of
his memories and his grief should have been addressed by his family when it
happened. I completely understood why he
acted out in the effort to feel “something.”
Everyone experiences grief differently.
Everyone experiences trauma differently.
However, I do not think that Harry was such an anomaly that he couldn’t
have received help. In fact, I would say the lack of help he received borders on
child neglect.
Part two, detailing his military service, gave me an
appreciation for Harry as a veteran. I
was sad that his duties were cut short by press leaks that put Harry and his
team in grave danger. It was just another
example of the selfishness of the press.
Why is the story so much more important than the safety of the troops or
the mission in a war? This section also highlights that, as the Spare, Harry
was allowed to have active duty while William was not. Decisions like these ultimately drove bigger
wedges and animosity between the brothers.
Part three is a love story.
It is obvious that Harry loves his wife and his children. I adored reading about his feelings for Meghan
and hers for him. I loved getting an
inside look at how they worked on their relationship from the beginning. I really enjoyed reading about the things
they had in common that drew them together despite their differences. Reading
his recollection of his children’s births brought tears to my eyes. I needed
tissues. That doesn’t happen often for
me. I really appreciated the open communication
in their relationship. I love that
Meghan was strong enough to encourage Harry to get help when he needed it. I love Harry’s openness discussing how he
sought help through therapy, meditation, and other means. It takes a level of vulnerability and
awareness to detail a mental health journey the way he has. I also appreciated their frank discussion of
Meghan’s depression and suicidal ideations.
That the amount of stress and pressure and lack of support was so great
that she reached that point really speaks volumes about the way things
were. I also appreciated the clear discussion
on their grief after her miscarriage. I
am thankful they have spoken so openly about a topic often covered up.
Family dynamics and power distribution are a big part of
Harry’s book. They have affected his
life in nearly every area: from the ability to speak to relatives at will, to
finances, to protection and security. They
also factored into how the press treated him. How Harry, Meghan and their
children have been treated by the British press is abominable. He has stated in the book, and in interviews,
that the silence of his family in addressing the horrible attacks on them by
the press has been the ultimate betrayal. I must agree with him on this point.
Overall, this book made me feel sad. I am sad that Harry did not have the loving
family relationships he longed for. I am
sad that his mother’s death was so traumatic.
I am sad that he did not receive help for his grief earlier than he
did. I am sad that the crown, the
monarchy, and formalities take precedence over love, honor, and family. I am sad to see two brothers, who have shared
so many of the same things in life, torn apart by differences based on status
and power.
I enjoyed this book immensely. In fact, I had a very hard time putting it
down. I liked the detailed stories, the
pace, and the structure of the book.
There are a lot of personal details which some will find
objectionable. Personally, I admired the
frankness. It is important to remember
that even a royal is a person with feelings and emotions that are 100% valid. Those details expose him as human: mistakes
and missteps as well as the successes and the things done right.
Credits:
(1) https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/memoir
(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201908/perception-is-not-reality
(3) https://www.npr.org/2014/04/12/292382481/so-you-need-a-celebrity-book-who-ya-gonna-call-ghostwriters
(4) https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#what-they-are
(5) https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51642/invictus
Comments
Post a Comment